Have you ever tried?

Hi I´m writing now with the taste of chocholate chips cookies and orange juice, Only modern discount markets allow this unsophysticated pleasures.
Anyways before attacking the chocolate pudding in the refrigerator I´ll write down this new entry.
Today I woke up after 1 pm, I was in bed at 4 am after a party at the other side of the channel, which runs behind our hause.
Dancing has done me good after that apatic yesterday, Dancing is the only way I can menage beeing in a party, standing up with a beer staring at people I don´t know makes me feel totally helpless, makes me hate the whole idea of parties.
Sometimes before parties I´ve always got the feeling that I have to go in order to know some girls.
The impressive thing is that I have never as far as I remember done something with a girl at parties, but this sequence of thoughts is always there.
Girls stare at me when I dance but I can never find any strong enough motivation that makes me go to them and talk, I dance, I get tired, I go home.
One of the only ways that I can know a random girl in a random place is if they are reading a book (hopefully they speak a lenguage to me known) usually girls with a smart look on public transportation are reading something good, I happened to encounter Anna Karenina (a beautiful book in beautiful hands), The name of the Rose (she did look smart), about Zen Buddhism (after seven months of pityfull idealization and restless poems dedicated to her she told me she was lesbian ), this are the ones I remember.
Some others showed me meaningless titles, and that´s enough to make the conversation drop after a few sentences (could have also been the unpleasant sound of their voices).
Another way I can menage is when there is something particoular about their look or if they recall me another person, than I feel confident to talk about this observations.
I also constatated how does totally not work talking right away about deep philosophical issues ( I keep doing it sometimes), is better stuff like where do you live?,( nonono), what do you study? or, do you like horse riding?, a mid way also works for a few: you are so cute!, do you also have a soul?
I feel like any girl that I could go with would be an unsatisfing compromise. The only way I can love (well feeling mad about someone) is by idealizing them in my head while I´m beeing rejected as partner. That´s what I did from 16 yrs old to now with a friend that I know since elementary school, once I confessed my sentiments to her she told me that I felt this way about her only because she could have never deluded me. I understood her point but well, she does delude me constantly in a way, and that´s also why I like her.
Anyways, my definition of love as I have experienced it so far is this one:

Love is the will of reaching the height of your beloved.

And yes it´s tough, and is also the reason why I started traveling, i wanted to be better than her so she could feel attracted to me.

The same definition I give it to the male type of friendships I´ve had, only I keep sex apart of them and I mostly enjoy the intellectual confrontation, aesthetic also plays a good role, a friend has to be beautiful, but well I´ll talk about it another day.