India Metropol

India is organic, dirt sustains every life form, humans included.
A city in India is an Eco-system, a polluted one, where dogs, birds, rats, cows, monkeys, bacterias, men and pests coexists, struggling over the same food, on different layers of waste.
Dirt is not dirt, everything is reused, badly patched, accumulated, overbuild, kept straight till collapse, then burned, took apart or resold.

The presence of trash is different than in the West, here is a valued resource in it's own sense.
The recycling is done directly on the streets by it's inhabitant, what's left and will never be useful it's thrown anywhere in the city outskirts, which eventually in ten years will be the city center.

Everything expands and rots, entropy rules.
The power of heat and water, of seeds wind and masses of inhabitants bends life in the city.

Entropy, the cyclical nature of things roots the passivity of the indian mind to a non lasting reality, religion celebrates this trend and dictates who can enjoy what.
Technology brings no systematic organization and fatalism is the most popular attitude : if your present is worthless you are deserving it and it's going to be so, till you suffered enough through eternity.

In India we experience a subtle or dramatic crysis, because of dirt and death, and people everywhere peeking at our difference, wanting to be friends, cheat or chat, are not of our culture.
We forgot what is to work for a meal, we have never seen a dead body, waste belongs to the trashcan.
For us being between so many people is unsettling, in the West we are far more advanced in in one thing: minding our own business.

In front of the Indian massive overflowing of people, screams horns, drums, animals flowers food, fire death and starvation we also feel worthless, most of the self we brought from home is being dismantled by what we see: this ever present ravaging vastness of life, out of our home, out of ourselves.
We adapt in new habits, the self has to react differently to the environment and dangers of foods and crowds, we rely on intuition, or simply let go, do as Indians, we discover new powers in new attitudes, functional unknown parts within us are integrated.
We learn to have less and still have more (hell we are tourists).
In India by dealing with people expectations and fears are deluded or exceeded everyday, and so let go off, we don't know when we will win and mostly we loose.

We travelers are wonderful personalities, we can blow an Indian mind as they can blow ours whit simplicity and love.

What is there to learn and what is there to give?

Change might happen within us......then people will smile.

I fear the feathers

blown in by your wind

they are white and spinn

laying at last

on the black soil

of my hidden mind

About Zeitgeist

Is my blogger home page in finnish? who knoooows..

anyways I just finished watching zeitgeist on google video, I was amazed, emptied, surprised, impressed, convinced, doubtfull and then I just told myself that my freedom depends only on me and if anyone could be that evil there must be a positive counterpart.

Yes we are being conditioned for a pourpouse or another, but we are rather a poutpourri than droids.

We cannot split events this way even with all the factual thruts in the world, because life is not about factual events but as it says at the beginning of the movie, is about here and now.

We can be as fucked up as we want but the beautiful rave of beeing well be one, becoming all the time, even if we let our present be hell even if we don't aknowledge it and endlessly worry about waths around us, being doesen't stop.

Who you are deep within, who you bless with your presence and space reconnecting whit all there is means  thruly living, allowing the most radiant change of your sorroundings  catalized by itself through the infinite.

This movie might worry you, chose not to, thats sufference already, just be.

So long

I havent been writing on this blog.

My English is officially rusty, German syntax pretends to give order to my sentences, a unripened Spanish wanna get in the way, after spell check the evaluation is: Disastruous.

Well i'll keep on:

I'am now living in barcelona, yes europe most popular choice whit london i guess.

I was actually planning to go to india but I didn't get as close as checking for an airplane that i was already planning my offensive to this next portual town.

I am still so blessed that I can live close to the sea.

What am i doing here ?

Looking for a job, I am using the last money ( I lost track of my bank savings) to pay theater lessons which will start on monday.

 I am fucking around playing guitar each fourth day of the week.

In the whole I'm off to a semirelaxed job quest , involving the useless sending of hundreds of CVs and horrifing presentation letters (or even videos) in an Italianized Spanish of the worse sort.

I am having free catalan lessons two days a week for the sake of doing something ugly and train myself to sit on my ass like in the old days at school.

I am checking out tarot cards as often as my empty e-mail box.

The right job will come to me at the right time as Clemont said (he is a genius). 

It's like destiny's wispering in my ear, no try again be patient, not yet, do look still is useless.

Whit MY references I cannot believe is the recession's fault....... in the worse case i'm already fantasizing of going off for Santiago de compostela whit my last 50 euros, becoming a GO GO Dancer or male escort, playing my two chords on the street and climbing up old squats to find a place for the night.

Just relax take it easy, you still got money, a roof over your head food to eat.

The biggest risk is only having to live my attempt to learn spanish and evolve my artistical career and having to call the german guy to go in some holyday village for six months working as an entertainer.

Wow havent thought about it....that's great, i have fantastic options.....

really nothing to loose. 

Still I'd like not to have to do stupid holiday comedy and become a great actor here in spain orjust  attempting to and doing any job aside.

World, Universe, Friends, Family, German guy and everyone I don't know:

THANKS

7months

Es ist vorbei, my animateur saison si officially at his end.

Well I still have a group of Belgians which bothers me for another three afternoons of archery and Beach Volley, but then I don't have to see this Club again.

The Last Month was actually the best, since the other imposing chef Daggy (at the time my girlfriend(yes I'm Stupid)) left one month ago, Im more spontaneous and free to become as crazy as I can.
Whit the other entertainer went everything smoothly and we had real fun during shows.

The substitute Chef Pablo, our schwules entertainment Guru (I tyhink his about 58), was Great and has left us all the freedom we needed at the end of the season.

I'm a bit Sad, an era ended, I'll never do this job again i think, it won't be so good a second time.
At the end I'm proud of myself:

I'm the last leaving
I'm reacher than I ever was
I'm free as a Bird
I learned to be idiotic and not to care about it

Next Im gonna visit my friend Simo who's since more than a year in Northern france whit his british girlfriend, is at the working at Mc Donald phase, and I gotta cheer him up. My brother is coming as well, ( he s in France too as Erasmus student ), I'd like to stay around a bit more before dropping at home to my lost father (he's alone whit my mother and sister(poor guy)) who misses me so much.

And once there, the phase 2 of my masterplan beginns, and is gonna bring me to:


-INDIA-

3

Three months to work hard, three months to decide and get inspired, three months to wait the taste of a new freedom.
I have three plans for the future as well, but they may become more.
Last day I wrote them mixed the paper and pulled them out of a bucket whit my girlfriend, they came in this orther:

India, travel till Mumbay, if possible following a dream where I had to buy my ticket for the first friday of october. I'd stay there till I learn fluent Hindi, spiritual jurney and cultural shock;

America, but then I'd need more money than ill have at the end of this job (that would mean working another six months(getting a pass would be also hard) and in order too get an education there I'd need take credit somewhere and plan it a bit longer, also , i guess not, back to the past and to the american dream that still half filled.

Rome, everybody says is beautiful, Im Italian and i sever sow it, In such a city whit four lenguages I could start a lot, beautiful and in appearance easier, id go to uni get a job and go to theater classes, lets see

I bend, a lot, but havent broken down

I write again from cote azure from the same village and work position.
The Barman told me: why living your job for a shitty childish story, your always gonna have some of these.
And I sayd you are right, thanks Man. I was so off the socks I needed that to bring me back, whit the girl is a bit better but I had to gather so much shit, yoga helped, girls can be mean.
Now i work full power, today I looked at my conto and sow this beautiful number:
1886€ for one and a half months
No matter what happens Ill stick here till september
Strenght. no matter what they say money is the way, thanks to jaky (two times Leo as Inbar)
and than?, whit 7000 in the socks ?
don`t wanna be to loud but

THE WORLD

or...........

a proper education you dummie boy........let`see

Busted

A Notice for my ghost readers, for sake of thruth I told my girlfriend co worker that I liked the other co worker as well as her, and after dumping me she explained the big difference between lying and not saying, well somehow I felt guilty not saying, tomorrow I'm out of here whit the small feeling that everyoes hates me but whit enough money to start again, I need to go somewhere beautiful...........

Das Rote pferd

I'm an animator, the most stupid fun depressing excitating regressive job I ever did, another six months to go, is like signin up for the army, I'll never do it again.
Lukily my friend kevin, a french guy who works at the beach takes me out whit his car to see the world and get in contact with the french youth.
Only bothering feeling is that all the man in cote d azure are bisex and wont accept a simple friendship, I hope they will because they are not getting any.
Last cabaret show I received the laudest applaus after dieing in rallenty, great.
Im getting really fast in switching lenguages and translating, I'm improving my french and keep talking daily in german.
I didn't know that 15 years old girls could get so hot, have to put the brakes, (I'm not allowed).............

Throu me a stone, I´ll paint it blue and red..

Do you love what I say ?
or what I do.
how I look like?
or how I´m.

Frustration attacked last night, and the one before......she won´t come closer.

The girls I like are often in love whit someone else, or they are trying to mantain a long term relationship, of course they like me, or I wouldn´t even try.....

What mazes me Is: how can they like anyone better than me?

My old mean boss says there are two types of girls:
the ones who want it always in, and the one who´d never have it out....

But this reduces too much the field and wouldn´t explain my situation.

But Gianca, a good friend of mine have a real dicotonomy and says there are two types of girls:

the ones who fucks and the ones who don´t.

The ones who like to fuck can have many lovers at once and live a man for another which sperm tastes better (I love you Gianca...).

Gianca takes his lovers as teachers, I rather like to be the teacher, maybe that´s a problem.

I think any girl can float between the two fases in different times, or stuggel between the two.
I see that many are convinced (I don´t know wheter by theyr feelings or beliefs) that true love is focalized on only one person.

I don´t know, in a group of people there is always only a girl that I like best, but really I dream and suffer on all of them ( if they are pretty enough) and when I move somewhere else whit other people my thoughts and passions comes along in the moment.

I´d take as example the countryside, when you live in a small society you may fall in love really whit anyone, from the only pretty girl in the village to the uglier one whit bigger boobs, or even a real cow......

Moving at twenty whit your blonde girlfriend to the city, may put your true love in danger.

Sometimes, walking in the city I like to think on all of them, circling in my head as stars moons and planets, whit different brightness and gravities, some far away and some, right before my eyes.

Redoundant Echoes

Yesterday I was at the call center.
I was talking whit some dude in england when a malfunction in the line occurred and i could hear my own voice speaking, curious and vain as I´m, I started listening at it while the survey litany went automatically out of my mouth.
It was so beautiful and empty, me talking senseless words and listening my electronified echo, the guy enlisting the most popular videogames on XBOX and my hand writing down all he said the same as one hundred previous times. At the end I thought... Maybe if i listen at what I say whenever i speak, only pure words would come out ,not filtered by any kind of thought.
My attention is too much on reactions.
Listening is wiser as speaking, and now I understand why.

Call Boy

On friday I started up my new Job, fund through Dorian (thanks again).

It´s my first seated job, I´ve got to phone up to Italian videogame stores, and ask over the best sold games of the month for each console.
I was quite proud of my 11 filled up statistics ( in 5 hrs), I learned in 15mins how to use the program, and in 25 all the shortcuts I can use whitout feeling guilty about.
The office is cool and bright full of young people, sadly I´m a bit isolated from the other cubicles, I work in a back office whit the only PC whit internet connection ( new comer privilege I guess).
My boss is a walking stereotipe, he´s the perfect super dinamic young manager, smiling like a steward, and speaking faster than a train, his eyes are strangely round and close to his nose giving his nordic lineaments a bird like connotation (my father said that they aim at the target, suggesting his appartenence to an evolved menagement race).
Although this Job is somewhat of a coincidence, and at the lowest level of his type I have a strange feeling of accomplishment getting out from the office in the surreal lights of the Hafen city, whit his brand new Buildings and huge Building sites.
To survive in such a job (not to bore my socks off) I just need to learn the programs that I´m using, get skilled and diversify my job, hopefully they are going to use me for surveys in the UK.
But the priority is always the german language, gotta do my homeworks...

RR

The reading rush in german is officially started, I´m currently reading Homo Faber from Max Frisch. (he´s a well known german writer, gotta look up on him).
I´m also reading articles on Magazines and news papers, today I bought a number of NEON a really entertaining joung magazine. Apart from classic reportages and editorials there is a great number of articles focused totally unknown people who just happened to be interesting enough for the paper, and it´s such fun to read.
The pictures are also great they pour creativity all over.
It´s so cool, thinking that I was starving myself from reading in other lenguages not to feel guilty about German.

Sundays sees Sunday

Half day sleeping

Half day Dying

Psycoshyntesis

This is a letter that I never sended to a Mailing list about Psychosynthesis
I modified it for the Blog..............................Yaiiii:-)

............................Is anyone there!!!!???


What life is for:

Well an old friend of mine, who was over fifty, always quoted (dunno from whom):

Life´s a Bitch....... and than you dye.

In other words: atheistic acceptation of the concept of Universal pessimism: (see Giacomo Leopardi the poet) the energy that caused your beeing does not love you, life is a struggle (guess buddhism is about that).
In this case a logical scientific and standard emotional mind accept this, sufference all over.

A more subbtle mind turns to agnosticism, still sufference.
But other´s crazy lucky bastards who developed a taste for the spiritual or metafisical side of our exsistance, claim of astral planes, unity and mutation, they say that death it´s a transformation and fear stops us from expressing our potential encountering the next form of beeing.
I think my Granpa sincerely thought that in the grave was it. Takes acceptation not to be overwhelmd by sadness (i think his beeing socialist did the trick) when you think that your consciousness is not there anymore not only for others but for yourself .
Your sense of self going away, danger!
Your sense of self as body and thoughts will desappear, but your Soul, the Soul, our awareness will melt and be loved by everything, that itself conceives.
We really don´t see unity, continuum, within ourselves and others.
I´ve grown in bad provincial modern individualism, I´m free.
Sometime I think that someone who feels more connected to others is happier: like a joung nazi , a supporter in a stadium, a chinese on parade, Adam at a rave party, but well guess you´d have some argouments for me, like this guys feel good in their slice but if you ask them respectively about jewish, the opposing team, democracy, and mothers, they themselve would prove mine a weak point.
So the feeling of unity must be of another nature, can be:

emotive:that sellfish bastard is now seeing what shame feels like;

accidental : I may be connected to my favorite Hollywood actor by a series of only 20 people and events.

mathematic: spirals are a redoundant element in the conformation of the universe, like flowers, shells, galaxies, pretty people.

sublime and aesthetic: in every point there is a universe,

and consequently horrifingly romantic: in your eyes I see a galaxy.

This vision takes away time, space, mind, pretty much the stuff that Eckhart gee.....hem genius was talking about, the perfect mindless stillness were potential lays in his perfection and can take action instrumentally when is needed within the mind or the body, well now I switched to Aurobindo, what the heck I´m just a confused guy and my writing its a mess hope it´s entertaining and well I doubt you understood everything. Just think that we are one, and generations are an abstraction and the reality it´s an uncatchable continuum and thinking whith oppositios, adjectives and quantities it´s sure useful but emotionally and existentially deceiving

My potential lays everywhere
but my will takes no recognition

A....r to the question is?

A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

swimming
diving
Horse riding
reading
walking
beauty
maddness
love
interesting faces
places
jumping
singing
me me me me me me
me me me me me
me me me me
me me me
me me
me
m........
.........hemmm

Is that tradeable?,

Also can I sell myself?, again?..... (look e-bay the Italian slave)
i wanna spread myself as bitter honey
onto the world



Is there a Manual?

Incents and ashes

And no one is here....

Wait,

I lost track of my sigaret

gotta lit back black ashes

into flaming thoughts

Today I bought two incents sorts: Amber and safron patchouli
don´t know wether to lit them or not, my room is so small...I can smell a single stick out of the package as I enter.
I spended 5 euros, inside the package there was a small brochure it said they were made in Auroville, it sounds fake as Verbania...my home town (not fake).
Still many more people know where Auroville is (freaks of all nations).
It´s in India a made up town for collective enlightement, founded by Sri Aurobindo and her girlfriend so called "Mother" both claiming to be Avatars.......I believe it.
Look up integral Yoga, the most reasonable alternative for whom seeks ascetic segregation.
Still I think they are well made and stupidly (of me(could have gone in a cheaper shop) ) expansive. Let´s see wich mystical influences will they give to my sleep.
A friend of mine is reading a quite famous book that teaches how to get any girl, it spans from lying to Neuro linguistical Programmation and body lenguage. I´d really like to speak up girls at the supermarket, on the street, at the library, but I think the book is more party-orientated. And it says nothing about Love....the one part that I get most confused on.
well...gd night

Desaspirations

I think it would be good for me to concentrate on something material, a job, something professional but artistic.
I´m gathering some thoughts and maybe the will to make it.
Dunno lately as I came back to germany planning to really concentrate on the lenguage, I just watched myself while bothering preoccupations filled up my mind:
Why is the money I saved up this summer slipping so fast trough my fingers?
Why m I so not wanting another stupid job in another stupid cafe´?
Why is my room so dark and windowsless?
Why havent i got a real round of friends here in Hamburg?
Will I go sometimes to University in this tough toungued Land?

It has to stop, it has to stop, it has to stop.

Will inform you on the process, wish me luck...... and focus

0

What do we see?

looking at the source of things:

a flaming fountain

of terror and beauty

a mouth that screams,

the

desperate rave of beeing.

Pours

Intense emotions

as in a dream,

going mild

reaching our earth.

Why?

do we lack the sight,

to reach the stillness inside.

why are our thoughts

spinning like all the rest.

are we getting to an end

or diverging into ourselves?

looking at two directions

spires surround me both ways,

between it´s foggy

the path is nowere to be seen

shall I for once stand still?

How do I get out from here?

From the door allright!

Says a man out from the mist

But the one that you can´t think of

Adds whit jolly humor him.

For a second I lost it all...
Today hitch-hicking back to Hamburg I suddenly woke up in a suv driving 150mph,
and for a minute i went totally mad.
My mind was so slow and dumm from sleep that i couldn´t tell where the hell I was, in the meanwhile I observe the speed like I istantly accellerated from a still position, completely confused I turn and i look at a quite chilled looking stranger whos piloting this bullet: the result is an accomulated fear that unable to be externated, continues to feed a sense of pure confusion that reaces a peak and than abituated to the speed slowly compromises whit the actual floating memory of what actually happened before i woke, in other words: WHAT THE FUCK!???!